I don’t really have anyone to be open and honest with. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I feel numb, but sad. Numb like that kind of depression where absolutely nothing sounds possible and I just don’t want to even try. I just want to stop existing. It’s not suicidal necessarily but it is that type of numb that leads to that.
If I didn’t have a child I would consider it. But for them I won’t. I won’t even consider cutting which actually sounds fantastic right now.
I haven’t been this depressed in a long time. I have been crying so much for the past three days and today it’s finally hit the point where I feel that pointlessness.
I had all these plans that feel impossible, or feel too far away to be a reality. Things I’ve been working towards for over 10 years now and they still seem far away. Pretty much all I’ve wanted to do since I graduated high school was be a nurse. Every time I feel like I’m getting closer to that it seems to jump farther and farther away.
I can’t wait years for a waiting list. I can’t just wait. I have no income, no job, no life, no friends. I have nothing. I have too much and yet nothing. I have nothing to do that feels like it makes any difference. Being a parent is the only thing and right now that feels too hard too. It’s so hard to even say that because it makes me feel like I’ve failed. I won’t give up, but I can’t explain how much I want to. I want to hand over the controls to someone else. I don’t want to be depressed in front of my child. My mother was depressed and crying all the time and it deeply damaged me. I cannot do that to my child. Children are not supposed to be depressed.
I hope this feeling will pass and everything will return to normal very quickly. I haven’t had depression this bad in years. Not since before my child was born. Not since I was drinking and not taking care of myself.
I just want the feeling inside me to change. I don’t want this pointlessness feeling.